AUDITION for A Pest Control Affair

A PEST CONTROL AFFAIR is a play based on a true story and originally written as a blog post in Hook vs Pest Control.

This 25-minute play will go live for Frontera Fest 2023 at Hyde Park Theatre in Austin. The play will run 1-3 times in February 2023 with tech rehearsal in late January:

  • January 29th, Sunday, 9:30pm is a tight 25-min tech rehearsal (MANDATORY per Hyde Park Theatre)
  • February 2nd, Thursday is our first show night
  • February 4th, Saturday, if we win Best of Week
  • February 16th-19th, if we move to Best of Fest or Wild Card Night

This is my second Frontera Fest production at Hyde Park Theatre. The first was THE MYSTERY OF THE PLAID SHIRTS (MOPS), also based on a true story and which played in January 2020 and coming oh so close to making it to Wild Card night. With MOPS, I wrote / produced / directed / starred in that narrative play and learned the importance of hiring a Director and Actors.

Synopsis: Shortly after marrying, an entomologist finds out his wife secretly ordered pest control for their home to combat the Texas tree roaches that keep showing up in their living room. This scientist’s disgust at such blatant insectile infidelity may prove too much for his purist’s perspective, until his wife gives him an ultimatum. Friends inadvertently solve their dilemma, while the husband makes one final demand of his wife.

Time Requirement: read throughs and rehearsals will begin (ideally) the first weekend in December 2022. Expect 1-2 hour weekly rehearsals in December with the first two weeks in January going to twice a week if possible.

Reminder: one mandatory tech rehearsal at Hyde Park Theatre on Sunday, January 29th, 9:30PM (not AM but PM).

Location of rehearsals: most will be in south Austin (IH-35/Oltorf area) and/or in central Austin. We will not have access to Hyde Park Theatre stage but we will have dimensions.

AUDITIONS begin Thanksgiving week for the following:

  • Director, $200: Prefer someone who has directed/co-directed at least one play, preferably a dramedy. Open to graduate student directors.
  • Actor 1, $150: Wife, Latina or female POC, 30s-40s. Wife is newly married, recently moved into Husband’s home in south Austin from north Austin; she’s afraid of cockroaches.
  • Actor 2, $125: Husband, Anglo male, older than Wife, 40s-50s. Husband is newly married, biology professor and entomologist and discoverer of new species of insects.
  • Actor 3, $100: A Pest Control technician, male, mid 20s-mid 50s
  • Actor 4, $100: Beverly, 40s-60s, wife of Jeff, and a local botanist and good friend of the Husband
  • Actor 5, $100: Jeff, tall male, 40s-60s, married to Beverly and also an entomologist; best friend of the Husband

Location of auditions: via ZOOM or in south Austin near Oltorf/IH-35 in 78741, whichever you prefer.

To schedule an audition: https://calendly.com/rosemaryhook/

Link to the DRAFT script on Dropbox (or below in text): https://www.dropbox.com/s/dfl3b7o69f5kpxj/WBR_FF_APestControlAffair_v8_PRINTOUT.pdf?dl=0

A Pest Control Affair

A dramedy based on a true story

by Rosemary Guzman Hook: Draft: 11/21/2022

© 2022-2023 Rosemary Guzman Hook dba Writings By Rosemary

Synopsis: Shortly after marrying, an entomologist finds out his wife secretly ordered pest control for their home to combat the Texas tree roaches that keep showing up in their living room. This scientist’s disgust at such blatant insectile infidelity may prove too much for his purist’s perspective, until his wife gives him an ultimatum. Friends inadvertently solve their dilemma, while the husband makes one final demand of his wife.

TOTAL TIME:  25 minutes

CHARACTERS

WIFE and HUSBAND: a newly married couple. She has moved out of her home and into his house. They are adjusting to the integration of two homes, two lives, and dual insect philosophies.

WIFE: a Latina or female POC in her 30s-40s; works at a local university as a career coach; respects HUSBAND’s profession and home so long as neither include cockroaches. In every scene.

HUSBAND: an Anglo biology professor in his 40s-50s; works at a local university as a biology professor and field entomologist who has discovered new species of insects. Openly adores all living things except Homo sapiens. In all scenes except one.

PEST CONTROL: a male pest control technician, mid 20s-70s, who understands both cockroaches and entomologists. One full scene.

DR. JEFF MICHNER: a tall male, 40s-60s, married to BEVERLY and best friend of HUSBAND. Jeff is a Harvard graduate and local melittologist. In one scene only.

DR. BEVERLY CHASE: female, 40s-60s, married to JEFF; a Harvard graduate and local botanist. In one scene only.

ACT ONE–Scene 1: Newlyweds, 4 mins        

ACT ONE–Scene 2: Cockroach Movie Night, 3 mins             

ACT TWO–Scene 1: Pest Control Visit, 4 mins          

ACT TWO–Scene 2: The Mail– An Ultimatum, 5 mins         

ACT THREE–Scene 1: The Day After, 3 min

ACT THREE–Scene 2: The BBQ, 3 min

ACT THREE–Scene 3: One Final Request, 2 min

OPENING

Stage is lit; Husband enters carrying Wife on his back, over the threshold.

ACT ONE–Scene 1: Newlyweds; 4 mins    

HUSBAND

(Husband sets wife down)

Welcome to your new home!

(kisses wife on lips then looks adoringly into her eyes}

This is your home now, too.  I realize you’ll probably want to change things . . .

WIFE to Audience

(breaks 4th wall: raises eyebrows with a look that says ‘of course’)

HUSBAND

(continues talking)

. . . I know how you like color on the walls, maybe change out some of these pictures . . .

WIFE

All of the pictures

HUSBAND

All of them?

WIFE

(walks over to one of the walls and points)

This is a picture of a . . . what is this again?

HUSBAND

An invertebrate.

WIFE

(raises her hands up in confusion)

I don’t even know what that means.

(walks over to another wall and points then continues walking to different walls and pointing)

And this is a picture of a bird, and this is a picture of a bird.

HUSBAND

That’s an important avian.

WIFE

I’m going to need a dictionary to live here.

HUSBAND

(frowns)

You never said anything when we were dating.

WIFE

(walks to HUSBAND, puts arms around his waist, stares lovingly into his eyes then walks away)

It wasn’t my home then. We have to make this a house a home, honey, not the Metropolitan Museum of Strange Things on the Walls.

HUSBAND

I’m a biologist.

WIFE

You’re an entomologist.

HUSBAND

So you’d be okay with insect photos on the walls?

WIFE

If it were 1 of the 4 insects that bear your name, hell yes! I’d even have custom engraved plaques drilled into the wall so I could introduce your girls to dinner guests.

(walks over to stare adoringly at HUSBAND)

I know I’m not your first love. I know that all of these flying beauties were here before me. I respect your work. In fact, the only type of bug that I don’t like are cockroaches.

(makes vomiting noise) Bleh!!! 

(walks away from HUSBAND while looking at him with accusatory stare)

HUSBAND

(averts eyes from WIFE)

WIFE

(still staring at HUSBAND)

Yes! I have seen those disgusting things running around here. We’ll need to order pest control.

HUSBAND

(strong voice)

No! We’re not ordering pest control.

(slight pause then normal voice)

You never had pest control in your house.

WIFE

My home was 100% bug-free. Besides, cockroaches don’t want to live in Wells Branch. Nothing wants to live in Wells Branch. That’s where dreams go to die!

Cockroaches want to live in eclectic, south Austin and listen to free, live music.

HUSBAND

I’ll take care of the cockroaches. I’m going to put something down for them, something non-toxic.

WIFE

(widens her eyes)

Non-toxic? We’re trying to get rid of them not breed them.

HUSBAND

(waves hand at WIFE as if to dismiss her)

I’ll handle it.

WIFE

(facing husband)

I know this isn’t easy for you. Me invading your space with all of my stuff. But selling our homes during a recession didn’t make any sense. When the market improves, we’ll sell both of the houses then build one together and we’ll make it our home.

(WIFE walks over to husband and hugs him around the waist while looking up to him)

My husband the professor and field biologist, discoverer of new species of insects!

HUSBAND

(Looks down at WIFE)

This house needs a woman’s touch – your touch. And it’s close to where we work.

WIFE

(walks away from him and spreads out her arms)

My torturous 50-minute commute just went down to 5-minutes!

(dances a small jig while humming to herself)

Who can complain about that!

HUSBAND

(mumbles under his breath)

You’ll find a way

(continues mumbling incoherently as he exits BACKSTAGE)

WIFE

(Humming to herself; walks over to sit on sofa)

(Lights dim)

END SCENE 1

ACT ONE–Scene 2: Cockroach Movie Night; 3 mins             

Stage is lit; Husband enters from Backstage with a laptop. Opens up the laptop (if no t.v. prop is available) and positions it on the coffee table. Then sits down in his man chair/sofa chair.

WIFE

(walks over from Stage right and sits on sofa)

I love movie night!

HUSBAND

Ready to start?

WIFE

(plops herself down on the sofa)

Ready!

(screams bloody murder and jumps off the sofa)

Cockroach! It’s a cockroach!

HUSBAND

(begins tossing cushions off the sofa; reaching inside the crevices to search for the cockroach)

WIFE

(stands over Husband yelling; tightened fists to chest)

Get it! Get it! Get it!  Oh my god, please get it!

HUSBAND

(Stands up like a warrior with arm extended and cockroach in his hand)

I got it!

(begins walks towards Downstage Center and exits)

WIFE

(as soon as she sees HUSBAND has cockroach in hand)

Take it outside and kill it. Kill it! Kill it!

WIFE

(follows husband to threshold of Downstage Center; yells out to him)

Take it far away from the house before you kill it. Far away so it doesn’t try to sneak back in!

WIFE

(eyes full of horror and talking to herself)

What is he doing? Did he just toss it into that pile of leaves without killing it? What the FU–

HUSBAND

(approaches Wife at threshold of Downstage Center and ignores her as he heads for sofa)

WIFE

(no longer yelling; sounds exasperated)

Why didn’t you kill it? You have to kill it or it’ll return . . . and bring friends!

HUSBAND

(in a strong voice)

He’s a leaf cutter.

(puts cushions back on sofa and sits down)

WIFE

(staring/standing over HUSBAND)

He was a what?

HUSBAND

(calmly, almost serene, sits down on sofa)

He’s a leaf cutter, a natural composter.

WIFE

(eyes are wide; voice sounds exasperated)

What are you, his job coach?

(sighs deeply; mumbles under her breath)

This is insane. I-I-I can’t sit on that couch with those disgusting roach cooties. I’ll have to strip the cushions and wash them in the morning. I’m going to go to bed!

(Exits Backstage)

HUSBAND

(turns on t.v./laptop and begins watching movie)

(Lights dim)

END SCENE

ACT TWO–Scene 1: Pest Control Visit; 4 mins  

Stage is lit. WIFE is sitting on sofa alone. HUSBAND is not on stage. Stands up to answer the door

SOUND CUE:  Doorbell

PEST CONTROL

Good morning. I’m with X Pest Control . . .

WIFE

(looks past Pest Control suspiciously)

Come on in before anyone sees you.

PEST CONTROL
Who are we hiding from?

WIFE

My husband. He’s supposed to be teaching class right now but just in case his schedule changed … he didn’t want me to order pest control.

PEST CONTROL

What does your husband teach?

WIFE

He’s a professor of biology at the university.

PEST CONTROL

Ah! So long as he’s not an entomologist then we’re okay.

WIFE

He’s an entomologist.

PEST CONTROL

(a look of fear enters his eyes)

You’re sure he’s not coming home? I don’t like dealing with entomologists.

They’re a bit irrational when it comes to insects.

WIFE

My husband’s not like that. He’s just frugal. We both are. He doesn’t believe in paying for a service when he thinks he can do it himself. Except he can’t or isn’t or hasn’t. That’s why I called you guys.

PEST CONTROL

Well, I took a look at your lawn as I was walking up and I noticed some ant piles and we can take care of those for you.

WIFE

What? No, no, I take care of those myself. I put salt on them.

PEST CONTROL

You dehydrate them to death?

WIFE

Well, I never asked if they were thirsty but yes, I suppose.

I only know that the mounds go away, and I’m not poisoning the soil.

PEST CONTROL

Your resident Entomologist was wise to suggest the salt on ant mounds.

WIFE

(big smile; points thumbs to her chest)

I was doing that long before I married him!

PEST CONTROL

Well, I noticed the huge wasps nests hanging over your front door. That’s dangerous so I’ll be sure to remove those for you.

WIFE

What? No, God no. My husband’s not just any ol’ entomologist. He’s a wasp expert. If you take down those wasps nests, you might as well hang a sign that says, “Pest control was here!”

PEST CONTROL

Well, I can definitely take care of these spider webs in your corners.

WIFE

What? No! What will the wasps eat?

Plus, if a fly gets caught inside, the spiders take care of them.

PEST CONTROL

Ma’am, most people call pest control because they’re trying

to get rid of insects not harvest them.

(pause for audience laughter)

Which pests do you want to eliminate?

WIFE

(elevated voice)

The cockroaches! I need you to kill them! Spray them! Waterboard them!

I don’t care what you do just get rid of them! I can’t live like this anymore.

PEST CONTROL

It’s all the live oaks you have shading your house. Texas tree roaches love them. Most people do not realize that the average cockroach can live without oxygen for a month and can go without water for a year. They’re prehistoric, been around for over 60 million years. And they’re natural composters, too.

WIFE

(yelling)

There are no leaves in this house!

(talking to herself)

Why is everyone defending the cockroaches!

PEST CONTROL

Leave it to me, Ma’am. You will not see another cockroach in this house again. If you do, call our office and we’ll return within 24 hours. And, the office will send you a reminder every month about when we come.

WIFE

But nothing in the post office mail, though, right?  I cannot have anything coming to the house. Everything must be online. I’ll pay online. Send the reminders online. And this service is only in my name. My husband cannot know. I don’t want to hear him complain about the cost.

PEST CONTROL

Plus, he’ll get upset because you’re killing insects.

WIFE

He’s not a cockroach expert. He’s just being cheap. I really don’t think he cares whether we kill the cockroaches. That would be insane.  

(sticks her lip out then looks off to the side as if searching for answer then looks to Pest Control)

He can’t possibly think anyone can live with … you’d have to see how large this thing was …

(raises hand up to demonstrate length of a large cockroach; exasperated voice)

It was this long!

PEST CONTROL

Oh, I could tell you stories about aggressive cockroaches!

I’ve also never met an entomologist who was okay with killing insects, though.

But you know your husband better than me what with being married for years and years.

WIFE

We’ve been married less than a year.  

PEST CONTROL

(raises eyebrows; pulls back ends of mouth in a Yikes)

What do you want me to do?

WIFE

(Looks sternly in the eyes of PEST CONTROL)

Decimate the cockroaches.

(Lights dim)

END SCENE

ACT TWO–Scene 2: The Mail—An Ultimatum; 5 mins       

Stage is lit; Husband enters from Downstage Center with hands full of daily mail and sits down at the kitchen table.

HUSBAND

(Begins sifting through the pile of mail until he gets to a 3×5 yellow card. Tosses rest of mail to the side as he reads both sides of the yellow card. Eyes become wide and his face becomes stern. Lays the yellow card down slowly on the empty table space in front of him, crosses his legs one on top of the other, and stares straight ahead to DOWNSTAGE CENTER and waits for WIFE.)

WIFE

(enters from Downstage Center; walks to HUSBAND to bend down to give him a kiss on the lips)

Hi honey. How was class?

HUSBAND

(Pulls head back from wife as she tries to kiss him. Face is somewhere between a snarl and a smirk. Suspicious of WIFE and trying to catch her in a lie.)

WIFE

(When HUSBAND pulls back from allowing her to kiss him, she tilts her head to one side in confusion and she stares directly into his eyes.)

HUSBAND

(Staring at WIFE, speaks with a low level, accusing voice.)

Do you have something you want to tell me?

WIFE

(Still standing, shakes her head slowly in confusion as she stares at HUSBAND)

HUSBAND

(Pushes the 3×5 yellow card to the middle of the table, all the while staring at WIFE)

WIFE
(Looks down at the yellow card. Her eyes open wide as she recognizes it’s from Pest Control.  She considers lying but then she crosses her arms in front of her chest, sticks her chin out and defiantly looks HUSBAND in the eyes)

Yeah. Yeah. I ordered Pest Control.

HUSBAND

(Silently seething, voice is eerily calm but with a hint of accusation still.)

How long has this been going on?

WIFE

(Arms are still crossed in front of her chest)

I don’t know. Awhile, I guess.  

HUSBAND

(narrows his eyes)

How many times has he been here?

WIFE

(sounds evasive and guilty)

I don’t know. A couple of times maybe. I don’t know.

HUSBAND

(asks in a hurt yet accusatory voice)

Did you let him inside the house?

WIFE

(Exasperated but conscious of her husband’s eerie demeanor; begins to feel nervous)
Well … yes. 

HUSBAND

(Flinches when WIFE admits Pest Control was inside their home)

(Begins shaking his head slowly back and forth as he looks directly at WIFE)

I cannot believe you would do this to me

WIFE to HUSBAND

(Squints at HUSBAND in confusion.)

WIFE to Audience

(Breaks 4th wall and turns head to speak to audience)

Does he think I slept with the cockroach guy?

HUSBAND

(Stands up and begins pacing the floor, raising his arms up and down above his head; voice rising)

I cannot believe that you would do this to me! You have embarrassed me in front of my colleagues! I will never be able to hold my head up again!

(Walks over to stand near a wall that is farthest from WIFE. Shoots dirty looks at WIFE)

WIFE

(snorts out a small laugh)

It’s not like you found out I posed nude for Playboy or something.

HUSBAND

(Whips his head around so that he can give WIFE a dirty look. Yelling through gritted teeth)

That would have been better!

WIFE

(winces at husband’s voice; speaks calmly)

I told you we had a problem . . .

HUSBAND

(Shouts his words while raising his arms high in the air.)

There is not an infestation! I’m the entomologist here. I know when there is a problem.

(Refuses to make eye contact with WIFE but continues to shoot her dirty looks.)

WIFE

(Calm; serene; focused on HUSBAND’s profile. WIFE speaks in clipped words)

I never said there was an in.fes.ta.tion. I said there was a problem.

When I see one cockroach, that’s a problem for me. I’ve seen four since I moved in.

HUSBAND

(Still standing away from WIFE and refusing to look at her. Shaking his head in the negative)

I cannot believe you would do this to me. How could you bring Pest Control into my home?

WIFE

(Winces at HUSBAND’s “my home.” Lips droop down into a sad face as she stares down at the floor then at HUSBAND. Speaks in a hurt voice)

It’s my home, too.

HUSBAND

(Shoots WIFE one last dirty look)

You have to cancel them today.

WIFE

(Puts hands on hips and yells across the room through gritted teeth)

I.Will.Not! You convinced me to move into this house like a pied piper.

(mimics HUSBAND)

‘Do whatever you want. Do whatever you want.’

HUSBAND

(Shoots WIFE another dirty look as he shakes head back and forth, as if talking to himself)

You have to cancel them. You have to cancel them.

WIFE

(starts/stops)

I don’t think that any normal person . . . should have to say to another normal person . . .

(walks away from HUSBAND)

HUSBAND

(shoots wife a dirty look)

WIFE

(yells across the room while pointing finger at HUSBAND)

It’s either me … or the cockroaches!

HUSBAND

(Shoots WIFE another dirty look with a snarl in it. His answer is in his eyes)

WIFE

(Eyes and mouth open wide as she sees HUSBAND’s response to her ultimatum.)

Oh!

(WIFE runs off the stage towards Downstage Center)

HUSBAND

(remains standing alone, fuming)

(Lights dim)

END SCENE

ACT THREE–Scene 1: The Day After; 3 min

Lights up. HUSBAND is sitting at table.  WIFE walks in from Downstage Center.

WIFE

(Tries to give HUSBAND a kiss on the lips; kisses him on cheek instead)

Hi, honey.

HUSBAND

(Turns his lips away and presents his cheek to WIFE; speaks in a pouty voice)

I’m still mad at you . . .

WIFE

(In a soft voice)

Oh honey, I guarantee you that every person who isn’t an entomologist either has pest control or wants it. I’ll bet half your co-workers have pest control. If you would just ask them . . .

HUSBAND

(Interrupts WIFE as he says in a loud, conspiratorial voice)

No! No! No one can ever know!

You have to promise me that you won’t say anything to anyone, ever. Promise, me!

WIFE

(Looks away from HUSBAND as she rolls her eyes.)

HUSBAND

Promise me!

WIFE

(Looks back at HUSBAND and stares at him)

Help me understand something. What exactly do you believe will happen

if the other professors found out that you have Pest Control?

HUSBAND

We don’t have Pest Control.

WIFE

(Looks away with pinched lips. Takes a deep breath and changes the subject.)

So …Jeff and Beverly are on their way over. We said we’d BBQ for them, remember? They’re already on their way.

HUSBAND

Don’t say anything about cockroaches or pest control. Nothing. They cannot know that we even used to have it.

WIFE

The Pest Control guy said that it was dangerous to have such large wasps nests hanging over our front door. But have I complained? No! I forbid him from touching those nests. I forbid him from clearing out all the spider webs; I forbid him from touching the ant mounds.

But I draw the line at entertaining (yelling) COCKROACHES.

HUSBAND

Jeff and Beverly are Harvard scientists; I don’t want to be humiliated in front of them.

WIFE

(interrupts HUSBAND and raises eyebrows)

Humiliated? Really? Jeff plays with dead bees and Beverly has a leaf fetish.

HUSBAND

(Yells)

Jeff is a mellitologist and Beverly is a botanist!

(calms himself; speaks in a steely voice)

They’ve just spent four weeks in the deserts of Argentina trying to figure out how to prevent Homo sapiens from killing off the biosphere.

WIFE

(tosses her hands up; elevated voice)

I find it hard to believe that Harvard graduates are entertaining Texas tree roaches in their home!

(speaks more calmly)

Honey, I’m trying here; I really am but the only reason that I know just how filthy cockroaches are is because you told me. And you wouldn’t even kill the one that was crawling all over the couch and trying to make out with me.

HUSBAND

(begins raising voice through gritted teeth)

He.was.a.Leaf.CUTTER!

WIFE

(interrupts HUSBAND and yells)

There were no leaves on the couch!

HUSBAND

There will be no mention of cockroaches or pest control around Jeff and Beverly.

WIFE

(points finger)

You know what you are? You’re a cockroach apologist!

(Exits BACKSTAGE Center)

HUSBAND

(ignores wife; sits down and begins reading a book)

END SCENE

ACT THREE–Scene 2: The BBQ; 3 min

HUSBAND sits reading a book. WIFE enters from BACKSTAGE RIGHT when she hears the doorbell ring.

SOUND CUE 1:  doorbell

HUSBAND

(stands to answer the door; shakes hands with Jeff; hugs Beverly)

Dr. Michner, Dr. Chase, come on in. I still need to get the grill going.

WIFE

(hugs Beverly then hugs Jeff)

We’re so excited you’re here. We’ve been waiting to BBQ this meat with friendly carnivores.

JEFF and BEVERLY

So good to see you! We’ve missed you!

HUSBAND to JEFF

I bought a new grill. Come outside and check it out.

(JEFF and HUSBAND exit STAGE RIGHT)

BEVERLY to WIFE

(sets a big bag down on table)

Wait until you taste the salad I brought. It’s from our garden. Jeff says it’s like eating heaven, but I think that’s because he was drinking tequila when he tried it.

WIFE

We might all need to drink tequila today.  

BEVERLY

I was going to ask. Your hubby seems a bit off. Is everything okay?

WIFE

(Stretches neck to see STAGE RIGHT then looks directly at BEVERLY)

Ugh. You cannot believe . . .

(begins talking to Beverly in a conspiratorial voice that cannot be heard by audience)

BEVERLY

(Silently listens; eyes opening wider and wider; places hand over mouth in astonishment.)

WIFE

(normal voice)

He acted like I betrayed him somehow.

BEVERLY

(small laugh)

You married a purist. A love affair would have been easier on him.

WIFE

Then he insists that I not say the words “Pest Control” to you and Jeff!

(does not notice that HUSBAND & JEFF have re-entered stage)

HUSBAND and JEFF

(Silently re-enter from STAGE RIGHT)

HUSBAND

(stops walking when he hears the words, “Pest Control”; looks seethingly at WIFE)

WIFE

(notices HUSBAND and averts eyes; looks anywhere but at him)

JEFF

(Standing directly behind HUSBAND. Speaks when he hears “pest control”)

Oh, yeah … Beverly …she won’t do cockroaches.  We have pest control!

WIFE

(In a slow, exaggerated way, turns her widened eyes to stare at HUSBAND with a look of triumph)

HUSBAND

(Avoids WIFE’s eyes and walks to other side of stage, shooing the conversation away with his hand)

Let’s talk about something else.

BEVERLY to JEFF

(Watches the exchange between HUSBAND and WIFE with a smirk)

Hey bee man, why don’t you pour us all a shot of tequila. I think we’re going to need it.

(Lights dim)

(JEFF and BEVERLY exit DOWNSTAGE CENTER)

(HUSBAND sits down on sofa and reads newspaper)

(WIFE retreats to BACKSTAGE)

END SCENE

ACT THREE–Scene 3: One Final Request; 3 min

Lights on stage. HUSBAND is sitting on sofa starting straight out like he’s in deep thought.

HUSBAND

Babe, can you come here for a second.

WIFE

(enters from BACKSTAGE Center)

(sits on sofa facing HUSBAND; her profile is to the audience)

Dishwasher is loaded. Did you taste how yummy Beverly’s salad was?

HUSBAND

(turns his head to face WIFE)

Okay, you can call Pest Control and tell them that they can still keep coming . . .

WIFE to Audience

(breaks 4th wall by turning head towards the audience)

Oh my god. Did he think that I had called and cancelled them?

(pause for audience laughter; turns head back to face husband)

HUSBAND

(still looking at WIFE)

But . . . I only want them to spray inside not outside, okay?

WIFE

(stares at HUSBAND then raises her chin so as to look down at HUSBAND)

You want me to call Pest Control and tell them to put the toxins inside but not outside?

HUSBAND

(looking at WIFE and nodding)

Yes.

WIFE

(stands up)

Kill us! Save the bugs!

(grits her teeth and show both thumbs up)

Got it!

HUSBAND

(looks up at WIFE)

Promise?! Promise that you’ll call them first thing in the morning. No pesticides outside.

WIFE

(serious-looking face)

Honey, look at my face. I give you my word that I will call Pest Control. In fact, I’ll call them right now because they allow customers to leave message.  While I do that, why don’t you go outside and clean the grill.

HUSBAND

(kisses WIFE on lips and hugs her gently)

Thanks, Babe.

(exits DOWNSTAGE CENTER)

WIFE

(pulls cell phone from back pocket; waits until husband leaves before dialing Pest Control)

SOUND CUE 2:  phone ringing

WIFE

(speaks to an automated voice then waits)

Residential pest control.

(surprised to speak to a live person)

Oh, I wasn’t expecting anyone to answer.

(begins answering questions)

Last name is Hook like Hook ‘em Horns on South Center Street. Yes, the one with the entomologist. Well, yes, it did get a little weird which is why I’m calling.

I have one last special request:

WIFE to Audience

(breaks 4th wall: looks at audience and gives the shhhh sign with index finger to lips)

WIFE

(talking into phone)

Please do not ever, ever, ever mail me another one of those yellow reminder cards again.

(Lights dim)

THE END

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